Jeff Ackerman: Candidates measure up on key issues

The latest on the global warming front: Snow and freezing rain canceled most weekend events, including the annual Mardi Gras celebration in Nevada City and the Rotary Club Casino Night at the fairgrounds. They say Mother Earth is heating up, but if the polar bears need a place to stay when the ice caps finally melt, perhaps we can put them up for a few months on Banner Mountain.

I'm not suggesting we don't need to worry about global warming, mind you. There is a ton of evidence to back it up, and a lot of politicians have a lot riding on the world ending unless they are elected. At the moment, I'm more worried about school kids who don't have shoes that are warm enough to get them safely to spring.

Speaking of weather, I got a chance to spend some quality time with Charlie Brown, who is continuing his quest to replace John Doolittle in Congress. He's a good man, that Charlie Brown ( I can't help myself), and he really gave Doolittle a run for his money last time around. I don't do endorsements (I'm officially one of those Decline To State registered voters because I hate being treated like one of the party sheep), but I'm voting for Charlie when the time comes to make a choice. He is as close to "one of us" as it gets in politics, and I happen to agree with much of what he says. I especially appreciate his efforts to take better care of our soldiers when they return from war.

Brown does have some flaws. He (and most of the other candidates) really needs to work on his energy policy. When asked how the U.S. ought to wean itself from its dependence on foreign oil (why, for example, aren't we tapping into the oil in Alaska or off our own coast?), Brown uttered the standard reply: "We need to look for alternatives, such as wind power."

That sounds great, but we'll run out of gas LONG before there's enough wind to blow us back and forth to work. And until we find a better way to run our planes, trains and automobiles, we may as well start pumping our own oil. Brown also failed to really respond to the question of nuclear power after being reminded that one of the more liberal countries in the world (France) has been lighting up the Eiffel Tower with nuclear power for years now (56 plants generating 76 percent of the electricity in France).

And since this is Super Tuesday - not to be confused with Super Bowl Sunday or Groundhog Day - I thought I'd check in on the other candidates who have been sniffing around for my vote these past several days.

ME: So, Hillary. Thanks for joining me today. I'll bet you thought California would be warmer than this, eh?

HILLARY: No joke, Jeff. I brought my shorts and Birkenstocks and was hoping to catch a few rays. It was butt-cold in Iowa and New Hampshire, and we were really looking forward to finally getting out West where the sun always shines.

ME: I hear that, Hillary. Your old friend Al said we were warming up, but I gotta say, it's been colder than a pre-debate cocktail party around here. My garden hose froze last week, and I have to keep a sharp eye on my pipes.

HILLARY: I must say that if I am fortunate to be the next president of this great nation, I will do whatever is in my power to change the weather. Until then, we all need to make sure the thermostat is turned down to 68.

ME: That's super, Hillary. Any plans on helping us wean ourselves from our dependency on foreign oil?

HILLARY: I thought you'd never ask. Let me just say that if elected, I will do whatever I can to address that issue. The pilot said we blew through 5,000 pounds of jet fuel just to get here from Fresno, and that just can't go on forever. I'd like to maybe explore the possibility of a hybrid Air Force One that could run on batteries or corn, depending on certain flying conditions. I've also seen them use grease from a french-fry cooker, but I think that might have been a bus.

ME: How about nuclear power? Would you support a plan to build more nuclear power plants?

HILLARY: Let me just say this: I have seen what nuclear power has done to the French, and I'm not so sure this country is ready to go down that road. Wind, on the other hand, now there's an opportunity. I love the wind. I love the way it sounds. Its smell. The way it feels. I love to rub it on my face ...

Next came McCain, who dropped by hoping to really keep his momentum going with a big Super Tuesday boost from The Union. We were, if you recall, responsible for Lincoln's re-election in 1864. We were not responsible for his subsequent assassination. That was the Sacramento Bee.

ME: Thanks for giving me a couple of minutes, John. I know how busy you've been.

JOHN: Always glad to spend a minute or two with such a great American as yourself, Jeff (I know ... he was just sucking up). But I have to say I didn't expect it to be so damned cold up here. Kind of sick of being cold. Nothing worse than having to shake 250 freezing hands after they've been used to wipe their runny noses.

ME: I feel for you, John. Real quick. Do you really think we'll be in Iraq another 200,000 days? That seems like an awful long time to wait for them to get their democracy stuff together. Are you sure this isn't about the oil? I mean ... really ... it's OK to come out and say so. I love oil. In fact, I'm afraid we're going to run out of it before you guys in Congress figure out an alternative.

JOHN: Fair questions, Jeff. Let me start by saying this: We will be in Iraq for as long as it takes. I do not support a timetable, and I will not be pressured to pull out of Iraq until every last citizen of that country can recite the Pledge of Allegiance forward and backward. As to the oil ... well ... let's just say they have it, and we need it. And until we can figure a better way to get from Los Angeles to Las Vegas in less than one hour, we'll continue to rely on oil.

Finally it was Obama's turn.

ME: Mr. Obama, thanks for taking the time. Hillary, by the way, told me you couldn't pump your own gas if your life depended on it. Is that true?

BARACK: I'd rather not go there, Jeff. But let's just say the only fuel Hillary needs is the hot air she generates 24 hours a day.

ME: Good one, Obama. I hope the ride up here was pleasant. Gasoline prices are a killer here in California because we like to make sure our gas includes plenty of additives like french-fry grease to filter out the bad karma. If you are elected, what will you do to help wean us from our dependency on foreign oil?

BARACK: Let me just say that I will reach out across the ocean and grab hands with those whose fingers control the oil. I will reach out to those fingers and ask them if we could get a better rate if we promise never to elect another member of the Bush or Clinton family.

ME: So you think we're being jacked around because the rest of the world thinks we're actually a monarchy?

BARACK: You do the math, Jeff. We have 350 million or so people in this country, and we're down to electing fathers and sons and husbands and wives? Come on, man. It's time for a change. It's Obama Time!

So there you have it. Lots of great candidates with lots of great ideas on how to solve our energy problems. My purpose is to make sure you know exactly where the candidates stand on the key issues facing us today. I think I know, which is why I'm voting for Ron Paul. He doesn't have a chance in hell, but at least he's an independent thinker.

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Jeff Ackerman is the publisher of The Union. His column appears on Tuesdays. Contact him at 477-4299, jackerman@theunion.com, or 464 Sutton Way, Grass Valley 95945.